Coruscant Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
by Smenzer
Summary: CRAZY ZANY FUN! Luke is being held on the Death Star, someone is trying to kill Palpatine, everyone does STUPID STUFF! OK, Vader acts normal. Maybe its a little weird but in a funny crazy way
1. Default Chapter

Title: Coruscant Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Author: Smenzer

Rating: PG

Pairing: None. 

Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK?

Teaser: Someone is running a sweepstakes!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd and Fox Studios. I'm only borrowing them for fun. No money is being made.

Author's Note: This story starts near the end of Return of the Jedi, when Vader takes Luke to see the Emperor on the Death Star. 

Luke stood next to his father in the rising turbolift, the flickering oblong lights signaling levels were sweeping by rapidly. His rash plan wasn't going as he had hoped. In a few moments he would have to face the Emperor himself and he had no idea what to expect. In reality, he knew very little about the man who was the most powerful person in the galaxy. No doubt Palpatine would try to convert him to the Dark Side, but how would he do it? Luke had no idea. But he needed all the bravery he could muster. He breathed deeply and reached for the calm center of himself, the Jedi serenity. All he would have to do is keep Palpatine on the Death Star long enough for Han to knock out the shield generator. That should be easy enough to do. 

The doors silently slid open as the lift came to a stop and Luke followed his father out into the Emperor's throne room. The room was huge; an elaborate waste of space but Palpatine was so filthy rich he didn't care. Done in shades of black and gray, the only real highlights were on the edges of the steep stairs that led up to the Emperor's throne. Behind the throne, a window looked out onto space. His hands cuffed together, Luke climbed the stairs alongside his father. Reaching the top, they came to a stop.

"Welcome, young Skywalker. I have been expecting you." Emperor Palpatine said from his throne. The man who was terrorizing the galaxy was dressed in dark Jedi robes, the cowl covering his head. The skin on his face and hands was wrinkled and decayed from long use of dark side powers. His eyes glowed an eerie red. All in all, the man looked like a corpse that had forgot to die. Palpatine's thin lips curled up in a smile as he continued to speak. "Your talents with the force has come along nicely but now it is time you had a master. I will be that master."

"Never. I'll never join the dark side." Luke said, his voice strong as he watched the Emperor closely. He dare not take his eyes off him, the warning from Yoda fresh in his mind. He watched his father walk to stand next to the Emperor's throne. "I'd rather die than join you."

Palpatine waved his hand and Luke's handcuffs fell to the floor. "Brave words, boy, but unnecessary. Soon your training will begin and you will learn to show respect for your master. You may think your feeble powers great but you're nothing more than a youngling with a swelled head. I will show you the true meaning of power."

"I'll never call you master." Luke vowed fearlessly. Could the Emperor force him to the dark side? He didn't think so, but he could be tricked. Coerced. He had to stay on his toes. Things were bound to get worse than this verbal sparring. "You can't force me to call you master."

"Oh, but I can, Young Skywalker." Palpatine rose from his chair and pointed a gnarled hand with crooked fingers at Luke. A sneer crept across his hideous face revealing yellow teeth. "In fact, your training will begin now."

Luke gulped nervously, his pale blue eyes flickering from the Emperor to Vader and back again. He had no idea what to expect but his father seemed calm enough, if calm was the correct word for a Sith Lord. As far as he could tell, the Emperor didn't have a lightsaber on his belt but perhaps he didn't need one. 

Without warning, tightness pressed his arms against his sides so he couldn't move them. Luke quickly realized the Emperor was using the force to hold him immobile, well, his arms at least. Luke took a cautious step backward and discovered he could still move his legs. 

"I could kill you easily, boy." Palpatine threatened as he moved closer to Luke. He gripped Luke's chin with his gnarled fingers as he peered into the young man's eyes. His touch was ice and his breath blowing into the young Jedi's face was the foul stench of the grave. "Your father was once like you; young and wild and undisciplined. But he soon learned his proper place, as will you. Now come along and you'll begin your first lesson."

Luke had little choice but to follow Palpatine back down the stairs towards the turbolift. The pressure of the force was still wrapped around his arms, chest and back as it dragged him along after the evil man. He had little choice but to move his feet forward or risk breaking his neck by falling down the stairs. Behind him, he could hear Vader's footsteps coming after him. 

"You'll never get away with this!" Luke shouted at Palpatine with bravado. 

"It is unwise and foolish to resist, my son." Darth Vader said as he squeezed into the lift with Luke and Palpatine. 

The Emperor laughed evilly. "I have already gotten away with it. When will you learn, boy? I can foresee the future. I already know what will happen before it does. You can't win."

"The future is always in motion. You can't know for sure." Luke countered. This meeting wasn't going the way he had hoped at all. He had been counting on his father to run away with him somewhere, counting that his father cared about him enough so he would never take him to see the Emperor. But here he was now, stuck in the turbolift with an old coot that looked like a long-dead body mummified by Tatoonie's heat. Actually, now that he was sealed in a tight space with the man he realized that he smelled like the dead, too! Luke prayed to whatever Gods that were out there that they would reach their destination soon and the doors would open so he could get some fresh air. It was almost enough to make him envy his father's breath mask and helmet. At least HE had fresh air! "And I won't do whatever it is you have planned."

The red light blinked on and Luke burst out of the lift the instant the steel doors parted. Stale ship's air had never smelled so good in his entire life. He just hoped he never had to ride in a turbolift with Palpatine again. No wonder his red-cloaked Imperial Guards wore helmets over their heads. Anyone who thought it was for their protection from the enemy was crazy, it was against their own Emperor! 

Breathing in a big lungful of the recycled air, Luke glanced around curiously. He was in a narrow corridor guarded by more of the Emperor's private bodyguards. Their red clothing and force pikes were clearly visible against the gray walls. A single door waited just ahead at the end of the hallway. Silently he trailed behind the Emperor and the three of them soon passed through the door.

"Welcome to my private quarters, young one." The Emperor pointed at a chair pulled up to a desk. "You will sit."

Confusion swirled through Luke's mind. He had been brought to the Emperor's private quarters? Why in the force had he been brought here? It made no sense! He had been expecting the brig or some torture room, perhaps some training room for lightsaber practice. But here? The force grip pushed him in the direction of the chair and then vanished. Not knowing what else to do, Luke sat. "I don't understand."

"Of course you don't understand, young Skywalker. That is why I am the master and you are the apprentice." The Emperor moved closer to the desk, pointing one twisted finger at the large stack of papers on it. "You're first assignment will be to fill out those forms for me."

For the first time Luke noticed the tall stack of papers. He took the risk of taking his eyes off Palpatine for a moment to focus on the papers. Picking one off the top, he realized it actually was paper. Real paper. Who in the whole galaxy still used paper? Why, it hadn't been used for thousands of years! It was a miracle that he even recognized it or knew the archaic term. It was smooth and cool in his hands and possessed a faint smell. This particular one was blue and had writing on the front. Luke saw Palpatine's name and an address on Coruscant. Then there were the words "YOU ARE A WINNER!!!".

"It's an envelope." Luke stated in surprise.

"Yes, yes, yes! I know it's an envelope!" Palpatine complained grumpily. "Open it up and fill it out! Hurry up now."

"But it's addressed to you. I can't open your mail." Luke turned the envelope over to find even more writing on the back. "100 BRAND NEW AIRSPEEDERS TO BE GIVEN AWAY! DON'T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO WIN!!!!!!! ENTER TODAY!!!".

"You fool! I'm ordering you to open the mail and fill it out!" Palpatine raised his twisted cane and knocked Luke on the head with it. "I'm not going to miss out on the 100,000,000,000,000,000 credit prize because you're too stupid to do what you're told! And use that ink pen there, that narrow thing with the blue cap. You need it to make markings on the paper. It won't mark by itself, you know. How do you think your father ended up with mechanical parts?"

"Ummm, from lightsaber duels?" Luke asked as he rubbed his sore head.

"No, from filling out all those forms, you fool!" The Emperor whacked Luke again with the cane. "All that writing leads to carpal tunnel syndrome and the limbs need to be replaced! Now get busy! I expect that stack to be finished before supper."

"This is absolutely crazy!" Luke muttered to himself as the Emperor walked away cackling.


	2. Filling Out the Forms

Luke sat at the desk for a few moments thinking. No matter how he twisted it around in his head the whole thing still made no sense at all. Emperor Palpatine couldn't really want him to fill out sweepstake entry forms, could he? Why, he was the riches man in the entire galaxy! He could go wherever he wanted, buy what he wanted, and build all the Star Destroyers and Death Stars he wanted. He didn't need to win money from some contest.

Perhaps this was just a ploy, a trick of some kind. And he was certain that Darth Vader hadn't chased him across the galaxy just to fill out some stupid forms. Some flunky could do this, a brainless stormtrooper. After all, how hard could it really be?

Still holding the blue envelope in one hand, Luke turned around in his chair to peer where the Emperor had gone. He spotted him sitting in an over-stuffed chair on the other side of the living room. Palpatine was apparently talking to Vader, their voices too low for Luke to make out the words. He couldn't even hear the pop when Palpatine opened a bottle of some amber liquid and pored himself a drink. Turning back to the desk, Luke shook his head. "This is crazy. But I guess I better start filling out these forms. As long as he stays on the Death Star…"

Surely Han had that shield generator down by now. But if he did and the fleet was attacking, why was the Emperor just sitting there? 

None of this made any sense at all!

Luke turned the envelope round and round, trying to figure out how to open the thing. There was a flap on the back but it seemed to be glued shut. Maybe if he stuck his fingernails under the flap. The first time he tried his fingernails just slid on the paper. And if he tried tearing it on one end he might damage the forms that were inside. With a Master Sith in the same room dreaming of all the big piles of money he was going to win that wouldn't be such a hot idea. Deciding to pry open the flap, Luke jammed his fingernails underneath and yanked his hand.

RIP!

The envelope tore open and colorful pieces of paper flew up into the air and slowly floated down like a snow flurry. 

Palpatine's laughter filled his ears. "Can't even open an envelope, boy?"

"Well, it would be easier if I had something to open it with!" Luke retorted as he lost his temper. Getting up off the chair, he started to gather all the slips of paper that had fallen to the floor. He had presumed the envelope would hold just some dumb form, but instead there was dozens of shiny, colorful pages. On closer inspection, each page seemed to be advertising some item a person could buy. There was also a long foldout sheet of tiny stamps. What those were for he didn't know, but he'd probably soon figure it out.

Darth Vader walked over and stood in front of Luke, his arms crossed over his chest. "I suggest you double your efforts, son. And use the scissors to open the envelopes." 

Dumping the mess onto the desk, Luke gazed at the eyes of his father's mask. As usual, there were no facial expressions; just the shiny highlights from the lighting in the room on the curved surfaces and the blank gaze of the eye area. Pointing to the desk, Luke spoke to his father. "The Emperor couldn't really want me to fill these out! This is ridiculous! It has nothing to do with the Dark Side. Forms can't convert me."

Vader shook a black-gloved fist at him. "I suggest you get busy now if you value your life."

Sighing, Luke plopped down onto the chair and sorted the contents of the envelope. Within moments it made sense. There was an order form one had to fill out and sign. You also had to stick various stamps in certain places on the form if you wanted to be entered to win the other various prizes. For example, there should be stamps that looked like airspeeders and holovision sets and the newly invented turbo-boots. Luke shook his head, laughing. What idiot would want to actually wear turbo-boots? In fact, he had never heard of the things until just now. A person would have to be a reckless speed-demon with an attraction for death to put those on their feet!

"Umm, do you want to order anything?" Luke asked the Emperor. This whole situation still seemed unreal. It was more dream-like, actually. How else could he be sitting here in Palpatine's quarters? 

"Let me see what they have." Palpatine said as he leaned forward in the stuffed chair.

Luke got up and gave the shiny merchandise pages to the Emperor. 

"Very good, young Skywalker. See, it is not so bad obeying my orders. Continue to do so and you will be greatly rewarded. I can make you a rich man, wealthy beyond your dreams. And powerful." Slowly the Emperor flipped through the pages, glancing at each one with interests. "I will take the Sith Monthly and the Special Edition book of Fire Siths. Strange I have never heard of Fire Siths before, but it will be worth the small amount of credits to learn."

Luke's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Sith Monthly? Fire Siths?"

"See? Now you begin to realize you know nothing of Jedi or Siths. Be my apprentice and I will make sure you are well educated, young one." Palpatine smiled as he handed back the merchandise pages. "I would like very much to be able to produce sheets of flame from my finger tips. It should be very impressive, don't you think?"

"That's impossible!" Luke stumbled backward away from Palpatine. He had never imagined that Dark Jedi had such powers! Why hadn't Obi-Wan or Yoda warned him? What could his lightsaber do against fire? Besides, he didn't even have his lightsaber. Vader had kept it and had hung it from his own belt. Perhaps he could use the force to snag it back but then what? Who knew what other horrible powers the Emperor had? And he couldn't forget the Imperial Guards right outside with their force pikes. It would be impossible for him to fight everyone on the whole Death Star!

"Han, you better hurry up down there." Luke muttered under his breath as he stalked past his father and went back to the desk. Tearing the two appropriate stamps off the large sheet, Luke pressed them to the form. 

Nothing happened. 

Like magic, he heard Darth Vader's loud breathing right over his shoulder. "You have to lick them, son."

Picking up the stamp for Sith Monthly, Luke licked the shiny back. 

"UGGHHH! It tastes terrible!" Pulling the nasty stamp off his tongue, he slammed it down onto the order form, pounding his fist on it for good measure. 

"It should." His father replied. "The glue is made from boiled taun-taun hooves, sometimes mixed with duracrete slug matter."

"Eeewww!" Luke moaned as he quickly covered his mouth with his hand. It was utterly disgusting! His stomach was churning wildly and he struggled to think of something else, anything else but slugs. An image of the Endor forest appeared in his mind, cool and green. It was a calm, peaceful scene with slanted sunbeams shining down through the branches of the incredibly tall trees. 

"Don't forget to lick the return envelopes shut." Darth Vader reminded him.

Luke bolted for what he hoped was the bathroom, both hands over his mouth. 

"A pity he has such a weak stomach," Palpatine commented. "But I'm sure he'll grow used to the taste in time."

Some time later, Luke emerged looking pale. His light blue eyes fell on the tower of unopened envelopes waiting on the desk, his stomach leaped upward and he dashed back into the bathroom. 

Now he understood why the Emperor had him doing this work: it was sheer torture!

After emerging from the bathroom a second time, he headed for the desk. He felt like such an idiot! Here he was almost a full Jedi Knight and the idea of a little slug guts….

No, no, no! Don't think about it; whatever you do don't think about it.

How was he ever supposed to face Palpatine if he couldn't handle such a simple thing? He'd seen worse things before. Heck, they were probably even nutritious. Didn't birds eat them all the time? And who knew what weird things Master Yoda had put in that stew he had ate? Feeling better, Luke stuck the other prize stamps onto the form and soon realized one was missing. Now where had that airspeeder stamp gone? "Darn thing must have fallen onto the floor when I tore the envelope open."

Pushing the chair back, Luke got down on his hands and knees to peek under the desk. Was that a tiny square slip of paper way back against the wall? Luke narrowed his eyes to see better as it was dark under the large heavy wooden desk. Yes, there it was.  Unfortunately, it was under the side of the desk that had an attached bookshelf. There was a narrow gap between the floor and the bookshelf, just large enough for him to squeeze under to get the stamp. Lying flat on his stomach, he reached for it with his arm.

His arm was too short.

The little stamp was too small and light to grip with the force. Luke was sure Master Yoda could have done it easily, but then he had nine hundred years of experience. It was sad to admit, but his skills just weren't that fine-tuned yet. It was far easier to lift a rock since it had more substance.

That left only one option.

Turning his head sideways, Luke inched forward on his stomach until he was under the bookshelf. The wood pressed against his back, but he used his fingers and boot tips to crawl towards his prize. His fingers closed around the stamp triumphantly. He had done it! It was only when he tried to back out that he realized he was stuck!

Lord Vader stared down at his son, sensing his predicament. Reaching down, he grabbed Luke around the ankles and yanked. 

CRACK!!!

The entire desk collapsed on top of Luke in a heap of wood, paper and various other items. The pile of rubble moved and Luke stuck his head out. Glancing up, he saw his father wasn't very pleased at all. His expressionless mask was staring down at him, his arms crossed over his chest. 

"I found the stamp…." Luke offered sheepishly.

THUMP!

The Emperor was laughing so hard that he had fallen right off his chair and had landed on the floor, his bony hairy legs kicking in the air.

To be continued…..


	3. Accidents on Mail Day

Luke was beginning to worry. Something must have happened to Han and Leia down on the planet's surface, because the fleet never attacked. Too much time had passed. Concern for his friends pressed on his mind like a heavy weight, but there was nothing he could do, not while he was stuck filling out these drat forms! When the desk had fallen apart, the Emperor had just laughed and had a new desk brought in.

I wonder why it fell apart so easily though. Furniture's not supposed to do that. 

Luke could imagine Han's reply. Yeah, unless it was built by an idiot trooper.

Getting to his feet, Luke marched over to where Palpatine sat in the over-stuffed chair. He guessed the Emperor didn't totally trust him because he still had his father standing by his side. Did that mean Palpatine was scared to be alone with him? Was it possible that he was really a threat to the man? It seemed hard to believe. But he was tired of just playing along, stalling for time. If the Fleet wasn't going to attack and destroy the Death Star than he would have to do something. If he didn't, he could wind up just like his father as one of Palpatine's slaves. Standing before the Emperor's chair, his legs spread in a V, he demanded some answers. "Why are you entering all these stupid sweepstakes? You're the richest man in the galaxy!"

"Because I like to win, boy." Palpatine replied. "I like getting prizes and I love money, money and credits. Greed is a powerful motivator. It is of the Dark Side, you know. And I have a strong gluttony for cash."

"But surely these sweepstakes are all fake. No one wins them!" Luke protested as he rubbed his sore arm. His tongue didn't feel so good, either. In fact, his entire mouth tasted like a herd of taun-tauns had rolled around inside it. 

"And I suppose you are an expert on it, Young Skywalker?" Palpatine rose slowly from his chair and walked further into the cavernous room, motioning for Luke to follow him. Stopping before a closed door, Palpatine punched a code into the keypad next to the door. The steel door slid open silently and the Emperor stepped inside. "Look at all the things I have won! Me! All these prizes are mine!"

Luke stepped curiously into the room behind Palpatine, his mouth dropping open for he couldn't believe what he saw. The bedroom-sized room was just totally packed with … junk! Boxes were piled one atop another, each one supposedly containing some small prize Palpatine had won. The whole room was that way, in some places almost to the ceiling high overhead. It had the appearance of a very messy storage room. A narrow path, just wide as a person's boots, led deeper into the man-made mountain range. Luke noticed that many of the boxes near the bottom were sagging ominously from the weight on top of them, causing entire stacks to lean at crazy angles. It was a miracle the entire thing didn't come crashing down. The Jedi shook his head. "You don't need all this junk. Why don't you give it away to people that could use it?"

"Junk? Give it away? Never! It's mine, mine!" Palpatine reached for a small box that sat on the top of the nearest pile. It was just beyond his reach, but he used the force to grip it and bring it down to his hands. Carefully prying the box open, Palpatine pulled a carved crystal candy bowl out. He held it out to Luke. "See, it's not junk! Look how beautiful it is, how the light reflects off the angles of the cut crystal. It's priceless! Of course, being raised a farm boy you have no appreciation of the finer things of life."

"But having the bowl doesn't do you any good if you don't use it!" Luke protested as he turned the bowl over in his hands. There was something familiar about this bowl, but what? He knew his Aunt and Uncle had never owned anything like it, so why was it giving him this sense of deja vu? Had he seen one like it somewhere, on some planet he had visited with the Rebellion? Odd, since he usually didn't pay attention to this type of thing. "You could do the galaxy so much good with all the money you have and all you do is destroy and ruin lives."

"I see you are not impressed easily. Perhaps something else will convince you the contests are worthwhile." Palpatine inched further into the packed room, the sides of his body brushing the boxes on either side. "Now where did I put it? Hmm, it's here somewhere…"

Luke watched as the hem of Palpatine's Jedi-like robe got caught on the sharp corner of a box. The Emperor didn't notice and kept moving forward. The towering stacks of boxes started to sway wildly until gravity won.

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!

The floor under Luke's feet shook like an earthquake as the boxes collapsed on top of Palpatine.

"Ahhhhhh! Help! Lord Vader, help me! I'm trapped!"

"Trapped under your own greed." Luke muttered to himself.

Darth Vader stood in the doorway next to his son. He stared at the disaster before him, the only sound coming from his breathing apparatus. He could clearly see what had happened. It had started with just one box, the one that had gotten caught on Palpatine's robe. When the robe had tugged on it, it had moved and tilted. That caused the boxes on top of it to fall, which in turn caused more boxes to fall. In simple, it was like a line of dominoes; cause and affect. Secretly Vader had always thought Palpatine stupid for keeping all that junk. It was a disaster waiting to happen. Too bad it had happened while he was present. No doubt he'd get stuck with cleaning the mess up, as Palpatine didn't like commoners near his so called 'treasures'. Although he hadn't agreed with the Jedi for a long time about anything, he had to admit they were right about how they kept their personal quarters empty and free of trash.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH," The Emperor squealed loudly. "I'm trapped! Lord Vader, I demand you move this stuff off of me!"

"Too bad it didn't kill him." Luke muttered as he turned away. An accidental death of Emperor Palpatine was too much to wish for. And from the strength of his voice it was clear the man was mostly unharmed. Was it of the Dark Side to want Palpatine dead? He was, after all, the enemy. And was it evil to wish him dead or to not feel sorrow about his recent accident? But his opinion was Palpatine had done this to himself.

Vader made the boxes fly into the main room and soon Palpatine crawled out, a bloody mark on his forehead. His red eyes stared at Luke. "Perhaps you are correct, young Skywalker. Perhaps I don't need all this junk, especially since it's turning against me. Lord Vader, call the Commander and have him send some men up to remove all these boxes. Have them pack it onto shuttles and then donate it to some charity."

"Yes, Master." Vader bowed his head and went to go make the call.

Luke was surprised, but he doubted if Palpatine had changed at all. In fact, he had already figured out that these small 'prizes' were really just worthless items given to you so you'd keep playing the sweepstakes. And when you played you usually ordered something, like Palpatine had ordered those two publications on disk. Of course, the prize that Palpatine really wanted was the money but no one ever won that. The company kept it for themselves!

But who was running the sweepstakes? Luke had noticed there were ones from different companies, yet they all looked quite the same. And who would publish stuff about the Sith? As far as Luke knew, Palpatine and Vader were the only Siths in existence. He doubted if either of them would share their secrets in such a manner. By nature, Sith tended to be secretive, greedy and power-hungry. It almost seemed as if the two items were geared directly at Palpatine's interests, as if the person running the contest knew he would buy them.

But who could it be?

The Jedi's thoughts were interrupted as stormtroopers came up and began removing all the boxes. They worked double-time and finished the job within an hour, which wasn't an easy task. But having their Emperor sitting there in front of them scared them even more than Lord Vader's presence. 

Luke was about to go back to his desk when the door opened yet again and an Imperial officer dressed in gray entered. He carried a large foil-wrapped package that was almost taller than he was. "This just arrived for you, Your Highness."

"Very well. Put it down and then you may go." Palpatine replied.

The officer carefully set the package down, bowed and quickly left.

The Emperor went over to it and peeled back the foil to reveal a large potted plant. It had broad green leaves with red streaks, a tall central stem and an enormous orange flower bud at the top. 

"I never saw such a big flower before." Luke admitted as he came closer to get a better look at it. "It's beautiful."

Palpatine picked up the card that was attached to the pot with a slim metal spike. "It says here I won this plant in the Endor Bulb and Shoots Sweepstakes. Now surely this prize can't be harmful. It will be something pretty to look at while I recover from that incident."

The orange flower bud slowly began to uncurl and open before their eyes. 

"Ah, perhaps it reacts to light." Palpatine stated as he moved closer to it, eager to see what it would look like fully open.

The flower opened more and more, a too-sweet honey-like scent filling the room. Suddenly it lunged towards Palpatine, the upper half of his body vanishing inside the innocent looking flower. It picked his entire body up off the floor until his feet waved in the air. 

"AAHHHH!"

Snap-hiss! Vader activated his lightsaber and sliced the plant's stem in half. The upper half of the flower fell to the floor and Vader tore the thick petals off his Emperor. "The plant was apparently carnivorous, Your Highness."

"Your actions are to be commended, Lord Vader. This is the second time today you have saved me." Palpatine got to his feet, staring at the remains of his latest prize. "Perhaps this was done on purpose, an assassination attempt of sorts. Find out who sent it."

"Yes, Master." Darth Vader bowed, and then went to make another call. The remains of the plant and pot would need to be examined by the lab on board the Executor. He would also be required to find out who was the mastermind behind these stupid sweepstakes that the Emperor has become addicted to. It had started innocently enough with a single envelope promising great riches if only Palpatine would reply. The Emperor saw little harm in trying and there were several items he wished to buy, so he sent his entry in. Within a short time the items he had purchased had arrived as promised and he was pleased with them. After that, more envelopes came. Then ones from other contests started arriving, each one promising a grand prize of an insane amount of cash. And if there's one thing Palpatine liked, it was winning. He had won over the Republic, had beaten the Jedi and their dumb Council, and had outsmarted the Senate. Yes, he was good at winning. So he saw no reason why he couldn't win all that money, too. After all, he was the Emperor! And he had the Dark Side as his ally, so he was sure to win. 

"Master, I do not think it wise for any more prizes to be brought to you until they have been thoroughly examined." Darth Vader recommended after he had made his call. 

"Yes, you have stated so in the past." Palpatine waved a hand at Vader. "Go authorize it."

Luke couldn't believe what he had heard. Apparently the Emperor had been letting these prizes be brought to him unexamined. If only the Rebels had known! But as far as he knew, none of the Rebels had even known these contests had even existed. They were too busy fighting for their lives to bother with such frivolous things. 

"Do you still want me to fill out those forms?" Luke asked.

"I see no reason why I should stop my favorite pastime just because of one carnivorous flower." Palpatine replied.

If it's HIS favorite pastime than why do I have to fill out the forms?

Sighing and wishing for a way out of this craziness, he went to the desk. He had been busy for just a few moments when the blue ink pen suddenly exploded, covering his hand, clothes and the desk with indigo ink. "Oh no! This darn pen just exploded! Now why did it have to do that for?"

 Holding his messy hand away from his body, Luke got up and walked to the bathroom to wash the ink off. Palpatine's bathroom door was an old-fashioned door; one that swung on hinges so you had to push it open. Forgetting himself for a moment, Luke pushed the door open with his outstretched soiled hand, leaving a large print on the door's light colored surface. 

Uh-oh. I hope no one notices that.

Hurrying inside, Luke ran to the sink to run water over his hand. Of course, the ink didn't come off so he picked up the bar of creamy soap that rested in a fancy holder. "I hope this stuff works. It sure doesn't look very good at cleaning dirty hands."

Almost as soon as he started to lather his hands, the wet bar of soap leaped upward out of his grasp. It hit him in the face and then fell to the floor, sliding out of sight. 

"OW!" Luke rubbed at the tender spot on his forehead, noticing an instant later he had just smeared indigo ink all over his face. To make it worse, a thin trail of blood was leaking from one nostril. "Oh no! I got to get this ink off!"

Leaning with one hand on the edge of the washbasin, Luke peered under the sink for the missing bar of soap. "Now where the heck did it go?"

CRACK!!!!!!!

The sink jerked downward, causing Luke to loose his balance and fall to the floor. He rolled onto his back and picked his head up just in time to see a gap appear between the sink and the wall it had been attached to. "I have a bad feeling about this."

He scrambled to his feet and backed up against the old-fashioned door. He watched as the sink dipped lower and lower, and then the plumbing pipe broke. Water gushed outward as the now useless sink crashed to the floor. The water sprayed over the walls and ceiling, puddles forming on the floor. 

"Yikes!" Luke's blue eyes bulged outward at the shocking sight, his mouth forming an "O". Opening the bathroom door as little as possible, the Jedi slipped out and closed the door behind him. Silently he slinked back to the desk where the forms were and slid into the seat. Picking up another pen, he got busy. He hoped no one would notice all the water that was now gathering in the bathroom.

To be continued….

**Thanks to those who reviewed the first two chapters! I'll have more posted soon!**


	4. The Fleet

Author's Note: I was a bit hard thinking up something that was delaying the Fleet, but I finally came up with something. Sorry if it's not very good, but it's not an easy thing to delay an entire fleet, you know! Your average mechanical problem just wouldn't work and I felt I just couldn't ignore the missing fleet – though that was tempting! Hope it was worth the wait!

The Fleet

The Rebel armada, hundreds of ships strong, hung in space like a vast cloud. Nerves were tight as the approaching hour for battle would soon be upon them and many gathered there now would surely die horrible deaths. But it was worth it if they could win freedom from the evil Empire. 

Mon Mothma stood on the bridge of one of the lead vessels along with the alien known as Admiral Ackbar. The waiting was sheer torture, each minute seeming to take an eternity. But once the battle was joined, things would seem to move faster. But the wait was necessary, for they had to give their friends time to get the shield down. With the shield generator intact, it would be impossible to destroy the second Death Star.

The beeping of the radar broke the silence.

"Sir!" one of the young bridge officers called sharply. "Something massive is approaching our position at vast speeds!"

"Is it a Super Star Destroyer?" Admiral Ackbar asked, his fish-like eyes focused on the young radar officer.

"No! It's bigger!"

"Could it be the Death Star itself?" Mon Mothma asked.

"It's even bigger than that, Sir! I don't know what it is!"

"Put it on the main screen." Ackbar ordered.  

All eyes turned to the main viewscreen as it showed the empty reaches of space before them. There was a blinding flash of light and almost everyone threw up an arm to shield his or her eyes. The flash faded, leaving what appeared to be a thick bank of fog behind. 

"Analysis! What is that out there?" Admiral Ackbar snapped. Now wasn't the time for some strange space phenomena to bother them! They were ready to attack the Death Star!

"I … I don't know!" One of the bridge officers admitted. "But I'm getting life-form readings. It appears to be alive!"

The fog swirled as if the solar winds were affecting it and who is to say they weren't? Gradually, as every eye on every Rebel ship watched, the fog began to take a form. It moved this way and that, gathering thicker in some places, that piece growing longer, other areas shrinking. Soon they all could see a massive head with a maw filled with sharp teeth, strong legs and arms with giant hands.

"By the Force! It's a giant rancor!" Mon Mothma gasped.

The rancor made of white space fog drifted nearer their ship and soon the warning klaxons began to blare loudly.

"Collision! Everyone brace for collision!" Admiral Ackbar shouted as the rancor opened its huge mouth to take a bite of the lead Rebel ship.

Mon Mothma gripped the armrests of her chair tightly as the viewscreen turned all white with fog.

The next instant only regular space was visible.

"It's … it's just gone!" The radar officer said. "It didn't jump to hyperspace or anything. It was there one second and gone the next! I can't explain it!"

"I doubt if anyone could explain that." Mon Mothma remarked, her heart slowing down towards its regular beat.

"Oh, I think I can!" A man remarked, a wide smirk on his face. 

Everyone turned to look who had spoken and saw a stranger dressed in a gray Imperial Navy officer's uniform, hat and all. The spooky thing is, he hadn't been there a second before.

"Who are you?" Mon Mothma asked as she rose to her feet to face him. After what they had just witnessed, she doubted if he really was an Imperial officer.

"I do love to make a flashy entrance, don't I? Did I impress you?"

"That rancor was you?" Admiral Ackbar asked, finding it difficult to believe. "How is that possible?"

"My dear … whatever you are, I'm an advanced species! I'm as far above you as you're above a tiny bug that crawls on the ground. And like that proverbial bug, I could smash you all out of existence in a second. But I won't. Because what you're doing here today interests me."

"What do you want from us?" Mon Mothma asked.

"Why, I want to understand why you're all willing to throw your lives away, as short and pitiful as they are. Look at you! Here in this hull no thicker than a cobweb and yet you're going to go up against a big weapon! Well, not that I consider it big. To me that Death Star is nothing but a pool ball I could flick with my finger. But studying humanity is a hobby of mine, so here I am!"

"So you want to know WHY we're going to attack the Death Star?" Mon Mothma watched the stranger fold up his legs and float about two feet above the deck. 

"Yes, if it isn't too much bother. Of course, I can't let you go until I'm satisfied with the answer."

"You'd hold us prisoner here? All of us, the entire fleet?" Ackbar still sat in his command chair, the chair swiveled so he could face the entity, if that was even the correct word.

"Yes, why not? I can do anything I want!"

"No one can do anything they want!" Mon Mothma told him. "Even the Emperor can't just do anything he wants, although he certainly tries. 

"Ah, yes. Dear old Palpy!"

"Palpy?!" both Ackbar and Mon Mothma gasped at the same time.

"Hmmm, yes. Things should be getting very interesting on his old chewed up apple about now, interesting and very, very WET. Oh, but I've been such a naughty boy!" The man rubbed his palms together and giggled like a schoolboy.

"What did you do?" Ackbar demanded to know.

"Oh, like I'm just going to tell you? I think not! You people didn't even answer my question yet. I'm supposed to be asking the questions, my dear fish man, not you. Otherwise you can go back to your water world."

"Very well. I'll answer your question." Mon Mothma agreed since she was the politician. "We are attacking the Death Star to win a war. Many years ago Supreme Chancellor Palpatine took control of the Old Republic and declared himself Emperor. Soon after that he did many terrible things. He destroyed the Jedi Temple, built an army and huge military fleet, blew up planets, killed billions of innocent people and committed horrible atrocities. So we are trying to retake our galaxy away from him to win our freedom. We are willing to die for that and many of us have already."

"But surely you'll know you can't win? You'll all die horrible deaths if you go today!"

"You can't scare us that way. We will win. The Force is on our side." Ackbar told him. 

"The Force? The Force?" the stranger laughed, throwing back his head. "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! It's your enemy that has the Force, not you!"

"While it's true that Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are Force-users, Luke Skywalker also has the Force and he's on our side. We believe goodness is stronger than evil, so we will win." Mon Mothma pointed out.

"Skywalker? That klutz? Ha!" The man laughed even harder until he hung upside-down in the air, legs still folded in the sitting position. The fact that he was upside-down didn't seen to bother him at all. "Your precious Skywalker handed himself over to Vader and Palpatine!"

"NO! That's not true!" Mon Mothma gasped, horrified.

"Oh, YES. See, he has a tender spot in his heart for dear old Dad. You DO know who his father is, don't you?"

"His father was a Jedi that was killed by Darth Vader sometime around the Clone Wars or just after. It's not exactly clear when he died. So many records from that time period were lost or destroyed." Mon Mothma stared at the stranger. "Why? What are you implying?"

"So he didn't tell you, did he? Well, not that I blame him!"

"Tell us what?" Mon Mothma asked.

"Well, I really shouldn't…"

"Tell us." Ackbar encouraged, leaning forward to hear well. Everyone on the bridge was waiting eagerly to hear what the man would say. 

"No, I couldn't!"

"Please. We really want to know!" Mon Mothma was shocked that he could manipulate them all like this. She normally wasn't a gossip, but somehow the things he said were just so fascinating! Could it be the way he said them? Perhaps she could learn a few things from this man on how to captivate an audience when speaking….

"Oh, all right! You convinced me, I must admit. Skywalker's father is none other than Darth Vader himself!"

Everyone on the bridge gasped loudly.

"In fact, this very moment your precious Skywalker is working for Palpatine! Quite eagerly, I must admit. He's doing a swell job of it, too! Oh, I just can't wait to see what exciting thing happens next! It's soooo much better than those boring holovisions you people watch!"

"NO! That can't be true! Luke would never fall to the Dark Side!" Mon Mothma protested loudly. "How do we even know you're telling the truth? Everything you told us could be a lie."

"My dear pathetic mortal, I have no reason to lie to you! Everything I told you is true, I assure you! And I do like to play games…"

"Games? What sort of games?" Ackbar asked, curious about this strange man.

"The kind that's happening on the Death Star right now…"

The stranger waved his hand and a new image began to form on the viewscreen, one showing the interior of Palpatine's private quarters. They could see Luke sitting at a desk doing something. Palpatine was further in the background along with Lord Vader. The tree men didn't seem to be aware they were being watched and they continued to do their own activities. The sound, however, was missing so their mouths moved but it was impossible to hear what they were saying.

"Is this real?" Mon Mothma asked.

"Whose side are you on?" Ackbar inquired.

"Why, neither side! I'm just here to conduct my game and you, my dear players, are about to enter it as well!"

With a loud pop, the man vanished from the ship.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Mon Mothma stated. 


End file.
